The Day I Started Collecting Red Flags for Research
I used to collect excuses.
"He's just busy." "He's going through a tough time." "He's just tired." "He will change." "I'm probably being too sensitive." "Maybe I'm asking for too much."
I had a whole collection of them, carefully curated over years of relationships that left me feeling like I was the problem. I was a professional excuse-maker, an expert at explaining away behavior that made my stomach turn and my friends worry.
But somewhere between his lies and my first therapy session, something shifted.
I started collecting red flags instead.
The Research Phase
At first, it wasn't intentional. I'd catch myself in conversations with other women—at Church, in those late-night texts to my friends—and we'd compare notes. "Wait, yours did that too?" "Oh my God, mine said the exact same thing!" "Did we date the same person?"
We hadn't. But we'd dated the same patterns.
Love bombing. The overwhelming attention in the beginning that felt like the best drug you'd ever tried. The trip. Trying to impress us. Flowers, texts every hour, declarations of love after two weeks. I thought it meant I was special. Turns out, it just meant I was his prey.
Gaslighting. "You're being dramatic." "That never happened." "You're remembering it wrong." "I didn’t say that." I started writing things down because I began to doubt my own memory. (Pro tip: If you're fact-checking your own experiences, that's a red flag worth collecting.)
Future faking. All those plans we made, trips we'd take, the life we'd build. Except somehow, that future never quite materialized. There was always a reason to postpone, delay, wait just a little longer.
The Moment Everything Changed
The day I realized I wasn't broken—I was educated.
Every relationship that confused me, every partner who made me question my sanity, every moment I felt like I was asking for too much when I was actually asking for the bare minimum—it was all data.
They tried to clip my wings, gaslight my intuition, and convince me I was asking for too much. And yet she soars.
Because here's what they didn't count on: I was paying attention. I was learning. I was becoming fluent in a language I never wanted to speak but desperately needed to understand.
The Collection Grows
Now I collect red flags with the dedication of a scientist. Not because I’m cynical — or maybe just a little — but because I’m wise. Not because I don’t believe in love, but because I finally believe in myself.
The man who "doesn't believe in labels" but wants all the benefits of a relationship
The one who's "not ready for anything serious" but acts devastated when you start dating someone else
The guy who love-bombs you for weeks then suddenly becomes "busy" the moment you start getting attached
The one who says he's "different from other guys" while doing exactly what every other guy did
The guy who’s still married to you, fighting to avoid paying child support, doing everything he can to slow the process down.
The guy who swears he could never kiss another woman’s lips, while you already know he’s sleeping around.
Each flag I collect makes me a little wiser, a little stronger, a little more certain of what I will and won't accept.
The Real Research
Here's what my research has taught me:
Your gut knows before your brain does. That uneasy feeling? That's not anxiety—that's intelligence. Trust it.
Consistency is everything. Words without matching actions are just noise. Pay attention to patterns, not promises.
You're not asking for too much. You're asking the wrong person. The right person won't make you feel like your needs are unreasonable.
Boundaries aren't walls—they're gates. They keep the wrong people out and let the right people in. Anyone who has a problem with your boundaries is telling you exactly who they are.
Why I Started Own Your Enough
Because after 14 years of marriage marked by emotional, financial, and physical abuse, I realized I wasn't the only one doing this research. I wasn't the only one who had a PhD in Pattern Recognition from the University of Hard Knocks. I wasn't the only one who needed a daily reminder that I am, and always have been, enough.
This exists for every woman who's been isolated, controlled, and told she's asking for too much when she asks for basic respect. For every woman who's been financially abused, emotionally manipulated, and made to believe she doesn't have choices. For every woman who's learned the hard way that being "good" doesn't mean being weak.
I'm in the middle of the storm, not on the other side of it. I'm writing this from the trenches of rebuilding, not from the mountaintop of "having it all figured out." And maybe that's exactly why these words matter.
We've all been there. We've all collected those flags. We've all survived what was supposed to break us.
And yet we soar.
To Every Woman Reading This
Your story matters. Your research matters. Your boundaries matter.
You are not difficult for having standards. You are not broken for recognizing patterns. You are not asking for too much when you ask for respect, consistency, and genuine love.
You are enough. You always were. The only research left to do is figuring out who's worthy of the woman you've become.
What red flags have you collected? What patterns have you learned to recognize? Share your research in the comments—because healing happens in community, and your wisdom might be exactly what another woman needs to hear.
Ready to own your enough, and wear your wisdom? Check out our collection designed for women who know their worth and aren't afraid to show it.
